Missing Someone This Christmas
Today we have a guest post from the lovely Vicky from Being Tilly’s Mummy.
I have come to learn over the past few months that it is possible to die from a broken heart because as Christmas gets ever closer I feel like I am dying inside a little bit more.
It’s a British thing having a stiff upper lip and we are all taught to be strong, we are all told that we can’t admit we have failed but sometimes we just have to sit back and admit that actually stuff that great British reserve! I am hurting like hell and I am not scared to admit it.
I feel like the flower on beauty and the beast, where it loses a petal everyday. And every time my little girl cries for her sister, I seem to lose another petal. This year I lost my daughter but she hasn’t died – She is just lost meaning we are all lost too. A man came into our life and ripped it apart. He took my daughter and did a load of despicable things causing a chain reaction and affecting a load more people than just himself and his victims.
My daughter was groomed and brainwashed by a paedophile, he caused their newborn baby to be put in care and that means there is another victim in this situation. An innocent child, who would never of stood a chance if she hadn’t been removed.
My little girl who is only 5 years old, cries for her sister on a daily basis. She doesn’t know what’s happened, I mean how can you bring something into a child’s life that will take away some of her innocence. This week she was devastated as she wasn’t sure what was going to happen at the Xmas dinner table, there would be nobody to sit on the end of the table and that was always where her sister sits. She shouldn’t have to get upset over what an evil man did to my family.
A lot of people have said how it has made me stronger and in some respects it has, but this Christmas is the first Christmas that my family hasn’t been complete and I really don’t think I can even fake it being a good time. Every morning I wake up knowing it’s another day closer to Christmas and spending the day knowing some people are missing.
Do we deserve to be happy at Christmas or in fact ever again? After all we let my daughter go off and start an ‘adventure’ on her own. Shouldn’t a mother protect her children? What kind of mother am I to have not noticed the signs? Isn’t it my fault that this has all happened? I should have gone with my gut instinct and demanded she not move away with this monster. I should have demanded I visit when she told me not to, and I should have been more aware of what she was getting up to on social media.
At the moment nothing anyone can say will take away the guilt, the failure and the grief I feel. My daughter may not of died this year, but when a person dies – you move on and you learn to deal with grief. You have support groups. My daughter is still alive and living under an evil mans spell, we are living in limbo and it’s awful for my whole little family. I don’t think I will ever find the strength to let anyone else close to my family. Nobody will ever infiltrate it and harm another member of my family. From now on I am going to be the Mother from hell, the mother who is over protective. It all seems a bit like Bolting the stable door after the horse has bolted but I will protect my other children. And until my daughter comes home, there will be a part of me that carries on dying everyday.