You may or may not have noticed that our blog has been rather quite lately, well since spring if I’m honest. If you hadn’t noticed then it isn’t a problem of course, but I will explain the reason as to why our blog has been quiet.
Back in spring…
Our blog has been quiet since spring because this was the time I think I began to realise that I could no longer carry on pretending and had to stop with the constant worrying about what tomorrow would bring and just concentrate on the now. I am a known worrier – I just can’t help it and it bugs the hell out of Ian. I am always worrying about other people and hardly ever stop to think about myself. Do you find yourself doing the same?
On one of my lowest days back in spring Ian came home from work on his lunch break (he never does this) he came home to check on me and to see if I was OK. Upon his arrival home, no I wasn’t OK and he had walked-in to myself being in floods of tears and in a right state. I just felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and I just couldn’t carry on anymore. On this day I had just had enough!
Things became more apparent…
I think on this day it became more apparent that I was having a breakdown. Back then I think my health problems played a massive part as it felt like they were winning, I was having to live day-by-day, not knowing how I was going to feel when I woke up which then had a knock-on affect to my job and I just felt like I was letting everyone down all the time. It just got to the point where painting a smile on my face and carrying on wasn’t working anymore. I did not feel in control anymore.
Back then I was working part-time as a carer support worker. My employer was fantastic and totally understanding but this didn’t stop me from feeling bad and like I was letting everyone down. I found that I was spending more time off sick than I was at work.
Things had to change…
It absolutely broke my heart and it was extremely hard to do but I resigned from my position as a carer/support worker. After a long chat with Ian he helped me realise that I just couldn’t carry on the way I was. Time out was desperately needed to help my health.
So, in the past 7 months I have been taking things day-by-day. I am now on medication to help with my depression. I do still have anxiety attacks but they are now few and far between, this has to be a good sign right?. I still have trouble sleeping but I am looking into ways to help with this. I now have things in place around the home to help make day-to-day life a little easier. I will be writing a post on things that I found and help me cope and carry on. Things which are still in place today.
Slowly gaining control…
My health conditions will always be there and I have now gotten use to that. I don’t like it but I have found my own way of accepting it. I am no longer going to dwell on what I can’t do because I am going to be to busy enjoying what I can do. I am not one for sitting around doing nothing so I am going to enjoy getting back to blogging again.
Ian and the boy’s have been my rock over the past few months. I really can’t thank them enough for helping me through. There is so much to share with you all but all that can be done in future posts.
Always remember “it is OK to NOT be OK”